So you may or may not have noticed that I haven't been posting recently and there is certainly a cause to such things that will be explained in due time.
For those of you who have been reading for some time, you know that I like posting the lighthearted stuff. I like being funny, and witty, and for those of you who know my humor it comes across very well.
This post will not be of that sort.
Last week I entered one of the worst weeks of my entire life. Probably the worst since any time during my parents divorce, and that was the hardest thing to date.
I know people say that the first year of teaching is the hardest, but God definitely tested how much I could handle. With the behavioral problems happening in my classroom, my frustration levels continued to grow. Between chairs being thrown around, children biting and being bitten, crayons and pencils thrown, screaming at the highest of decibels, my mind was not handling much more. Teaching became a dreaded task because I was waiting for the next outburst. For a first year teacher who has always relied on keeping students entertained with off the cuff activities, my mind was getting back logged. By Wednesday I was more fragile than fine china, causing a breakdown that probably scared my roommates as they had never experienced such emotion emitting from me.
Feeling like a failure was at the top of my feelings list. I felt like I had failed my education. I felt like I had failed my professors. I felt like I had failed my colleagues. I felt like I had failed my students. Worst of all, I felt like I had failed myself and all of my dreams.
This was the fourth week of school and only the second full week. Not the best way to start the year.
I know I picked wonderful people to live with, and surround myself with, so that in a time of ultimate weakness I had people to support me and uplift me. I was able to spend the weekend with a dear friend who helped me to realize that I am not a failure, and that I am prepared. Her mom, a principal herself, listened to all of my woes, was flabbergasted at some of my stories and supported me non-stop. For their support I will be eternally grateful. As my weekend was filled with endless anxiety about returning to school, they never faltered in their belief in me and my abilities.
Through all of my anxiety and restlessness, I continued to pray and put my belief in God's promise to never give more than can be handled. Monday started off decently well, a few interruptions as per usual. I mean sitting on the floor with a child screaming "I want to hit ****!!!" over and over, and having him curl into the fetal position on your lap as you soothe him is a typical interruption right??? (Disclaimer: for those of you out there who wouldn't tolerate this behavior, please know that the way I handled the situation was what was needed to be done for that child, and is not done for all children, as they don't require such behavior from me.)
Then 10:00 happened and I had to press the "911" button to page the office and have the counselor attend to the screaming child from earlier in the morning. By that afternoon the child was moved to another classroom. It broke my heart to hear him cry about leaving my room, but the new environment was going to be a much better fit for him.
That left two behavior cases in my room and two adults. Manageable. Throughout the afternoon the silences that ensued were magical. I felt a peace about the classroom. I was even able to breathe, AND think. As heartbroken as I felt by this move, I knew it was the right thing, and I allowed myself the chance to revel in this new change.
The wave of peace that I felt, could only have come from God as He took some of the load off my shoulders. So many times I don't think of how much He has taken from me, but then on days when my load has truly felt lightened I am able to see all of the things that I am blessed with. My, oh my, the wonderful things that I have been blessed with far outweigh the struggles that I may feel.
Thank you for reading through this post, as well as being patient with me through my short break from blogging.
M
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