Summer

If you had asked me before graduating what my plans were for my first summer vacation as a teacher, they would have been to drive. Just drive. No hesitation. I wanted to get in my car. Get on an interstate highway and just drive for hours on end. Sleep in the car, and just go.

A friend of mine did this a few years ago, driving all over the U.S. and Canada. She inspired me to just go. Having that many hours in the car makes you think. It makes you reflect. It makes you learn yourself. She inspired me to just go.

This has been a dream of mine for a few years, as it is now 9 months after graduation. I didn't think that it would be possible, because of finances mostly.

Going through a private, Christian college put a bit of debt on my shoulders. It is stressful, but it is what it is. It is being handled and that is what matters. I have made a budget and definitely live within my means.

In the back of my head I have continued thinking about my summer plans. What I could do to stretch myself. What could I do that would give me time to think? Time to move? Time to explore? Time to just be?

Taking the time to just be, to better understand my humanity. Who I am as a person. What I can do. What I can accomplish. What I can learn about myself.

This all may come across as selfish, and I can see that because I keep talking about me. But...I definitely justify myself in that, because when in my life am I going to have the opportunity to be selfish? I don't have a family to support. I don't have anyone depending on me. My living expenses are taken care of. My love for my family is not diminished or changed by the amount of time I am spending with them.

I have spent every summer since I turned 14 working. That is 8 summers. That is 8 summers of books left unread. That is 8 summers of trails un-hiked. That is 8 summers of time spent with family and friends. That is 8 summers spent making what? Money I no longer have. Yes, that money did help at the time, and did pay a bit of college. But what could I have gained in those summers. Especially the past few summers when I was attending college. Could I have traveled more? Could I have seen and met more people? Could I have learned more about myself? Could I have...? The list goes on and on.

Now is when I say that that list ends. I do not want to ask those questions anymore. I do not want to ask those questions for the rest of my life. I want to explore. Places and myself. I want to ask hard questions of myself.

I put this video in here, because in one of my favorite movies Safe Haven, this song comes on when the main character is riding a bus and it is taking her through the most beautiful green hills. The line says "if you could go anywhere, anywhere, what would you see?" The rest of the song is gorgeous. But I love this line, because of its truth. What would you see if you could go anywhere? I want to find that answer.

No matter what I do this summer, I know that I will find many things.

Keep leaping,
Megan

First Year Teacher Problems???

Have you ever felt like the shittiest teacher? Have you ever felt like your methods just aren't good enough? Have you ever felt like crying in front of your students because your momentum was destroyed? Have you ever felt like there will never be a day where you are prepared? Have you ever felt like a mean teacher because you think you only yell at your kids?

You haven't? Oh, well, umm...first year teacher problems? But I thought everyone felt shitty at some point. Maybe that's just me.

But all of that up there, yep, those were definitely thoughts that went through my head on a never ending reel throughout my entire afternoon.

Would my kids ever pay attention? Would my attention grabbers work? Would I have enough material? Do children actually like listening to stories? Do I honestly have to talk at a decibel equal to that of a bomb? What do children honestly need to TALK about?? Because they talk ALL the time.

Needless to say it was a frustrating afternoon. I was done.

I walked into school this morning feeling so refreshed by the weekend. I was ready to take on the new week, and ready to make sure that my students are learning. As it is the week before break, I didn't mention that next week is vacation to my students. I need them in some shape to learn. I had WONDERFUL centers planned, ones that would keep them engaged. I had even prepared them on Friday of last week, and made materials over the weekend.

I was going to be prepared, I was sure of it.

The morning went pretty well. My school is also doing a computer assessment right now, which generally throws the students off, but not today! They went through all of the morning routine without giving me any trouble. I only needed to press my attention bell 4 times before they were quiet. They were doing a phenomenal job!

AND THEN, I had to step out of the room for a meeting. BUT the mom was a no-show, no-call.

Now let me explain something. I only like meetings because it gives me the chance to be in a quieter space. But all of the work that has to go in, as well as the stress of not knowing exactly what is going on in your room at every second, usually isn't worth it. I like knowing things. My aide is wonderful, and handles situations with such care and ease, but I'm too nosy of a person to not want to know every little thing that happens.

So having this meeting, especially in the middle of the day was an inconvenience to me. On top of all of that it was an emergency meeting. For a mother to not even show up or call just seemed downright rude.

Upstairs I trotted. Returning to my room I was able to teach things that I didn't think I would be able to work on with them, as well as finish up assessments, and start others. Productivity to the max!

Half an hour later, the mother shows up, with her child, expecting to have the meeting. Ummm....Hold the phones. Yes, you did read that correctly. She expected to have the meeting a half an hour late, with no notice. Let me answer that. NO. Just. No.

Already being annoyed with having the meeting cancelled, and then having to explain to a mother that it needs to be rescheduled, was just frustrating. I felt defeated. I want to be able to sit down with this mother and understand her child better. Teachers are on your team parents!! At least this one, PLEASE WORK WITH ME!!!

And that was the moment in my day that turned it from FANTASTIC, to not so fantastic. I felt like I was constantly having to redirect students, and with being put in a not-so-happy mood, I felt like an awful teacher. I felt mean. I felt ill prepared. I felt like I wasn't at my best.

I drudged through my afternoon, and when it came time for exploring labs, a.k.a. play time, I was reminded of why I do go in every day with a better attitude.

A student walked up to me, without saying a word, held out her arms, and expressed that she wanted a hug. I hugged her, and when she let go she said, "Miss Grant, you're the best teacher." Well my darling, even in the darkest circumstances, you are the reason I keep going for the light.

Keep leaping,

M

Life.

Over the past few weeks I have read numerous blog posts about how blogging has changed and these famous bloggers aren't sure they want it to be a business opportunity as much of just a documentation of life on a wider screen. These are bloggers that I loved to read, and gave me such insight in many times, to life after college, both the good and the bad. I looked to these bloggers as role models. They are good, strong, and often Godly women. They used blogging as a way of making money for their families, providing a full time income. Now they have changed their stance, every single one of them, to being a documentation of life. No obligations to readers, just life as they know it.

It was hard for me to read such things, because I looked up to these women in a sense, having a picture into their lives, and now hearing that they wouldn't be providing such a viewpoint. Then I thought about this little blog, and the purpose in which I created it. To provide a picture of my life to those who are far away, who care about me, and still want to be connected to me. Who think about and pray for me, and care about me in any way that they can. So it is with that that I wish to begin this little nook of the internet again.

It has been a few months, and so much time and life has happened between the last post and now.

Of course all of the holidays spent with family was fabulous. But even more than all of that, life has had a full journey in the past month.

Most of you don't know, because I haven't been able to talk about it. But Kevin and I broke up at the beginning of January.

I won't lie. It was hard. I mean HARD.

The wind was completely knocked out of me. I didn't quite know how to handle the situation.

That time still seems like a confusing period. No words truly explain, because it is still a foggy memory. I chose to hide and find refuge in my roommates, closest friends and family. Keeping the world at bay proved to be one of the best decisions I made.

I chose to focus on my friends and family. I chose to focus on my children. I chose to focus on bettering my job. Most importantly, I chose to focus on God.

That was a huge bettering step for me. I spent time doing my daily devotions. I spent the next Sunday morning at church, continually asking "why?" Not the easiest question to ask, let alone answer.

I didn't find my answer. But that was never the point. God needed to show me the choices that I made were for a reason. Decisions that were made, were for a reason. I have learned and gained a great deal from such things. I have taken every opportunity to remind myself of a lesson that is being learned. I find this to be so important in understanding life as it goes on, both the good and the bad. It means that I don't ever have to regret my decisions. I accept them and I am able to move on.

Over the past few weeks I have been able to attend a Saturday night service with a dear friend. Allowing us the opportunity to come together in a time of worship, as well as time after the service to have good conversation. She has been such an inspiration in this time. Allowing me the opportunity to explore my thoughts and beliefs in every aspect of life. Giving me advice to challenge me, as well as the space to find myself. I have been so blessed in the past few weeks.

I am definitely taking this time to understand myself. To find myself. To understand who I am as a daughter of God. To understand who I am as a daughter, sister, roommate, friend, teacher, co-worker, adult, etc. I am having to understand and create my identity, which is so vastly different from the woman that I have known. I am no longer a college student, protected by the walls of academia that I became so comfortable in. This is such a new and exciting time, and I plan on taking advantage of that. Making it into a time of fullness. Relying on God to provide as He always has, and continues to do, to fuel my hopes and dreams, and those plans that He has in store.

I have clearly been reminded of why I named this blog, everyday leaps of faith, because every day is truly a new and different adventure, that is plentiful with challenges and blessings as long as we choose to look for them.

So as fellow bloggers have so publicly declared, and I have decided I want to continue, using this as a place where I can come and put adventures. Not because of obligations, but because this is a place in which I would like to share parts of my life with you.